Wrong Choice Day

Really...I see that the last time I posted here I had sciatic pain. AND...I still have it...only it's worse. Another story...
Today...I decided to go home after work and then go back to see Mom at her suppertime...wrong choice. She looked to be sleeping comfortably in bed. The CNA told me that she had been up a couple of times in the last half hour and was kind of ornery. I took her glasses off and left her sleeping peacefully. She actually looked comfortable this time...with head on a pillow...not like yesterday. I saw the nurse when I was leaving. She said that Mom had eaten a lot...banana, peanut butter toast, cookie. Mom was adopted this year by a lady at church. I told her that the best time for a visit would be meal time. I "heard" from this same nurse the other day that the visit last Saturday did not go well....I found her present unwrapped & card unopened in her room. I can't remember the last time Mom smiled and talked to me. But on Sunday, I took her a kolache that Tracy had made (a prune one instead of her favorite, poppyseed...cause that batch didn't turn out). I wrote kolache on the board....she recognized that but not that Tracy had made it. She said, "Yes, kolaches." As she was eating it, she said, "It tastes just as good as the ones I make." WoW....that's something! BUT....she didn't smile about it. She is tired....so very tired.... I miss that lady. It would be nice to talk to her about my troubles....when life gets heavy..and also share joys, of course. It would be nice if I could talk to her and if she could just hear me. I love her...and it hurts.

A Day.....

It was actually a little sad today when my grandkids didn't come to my office trick or treating. I suggested that they just go to the other office since that's where their dad works. It's too hard to go to both places. Besides.....a dad trumps a grandma for that. Went to chiro for what is acting like siatic nerve pain....was hoping it would get better on its own. Now that's an every other day thing for a couple of weeks. Went to Mom's. She was in bed. She spoke to me from bed...words that I didn't understand. Atsu followed me in the room and proceeded to get her out of bed. First he had to put pants on her.....she had none on. Hard/hard/hard to see her body so very very thin. I will never forget her like this....that's all I can see. I put her slippers on her thin/thin feet. I gave her a comb & she combed her hair...a little. At first she wasn't interested in eating. I was about to leave but then she took a sandwich from me and ate the whole thing(half a sandwich) and ate half of the other half. But...she yelled at me a couple of times. I sat there and looked around at the various people. and listened to them. It's the saddest thing. My prayer for Mom now is...please keep her pain-free. It seems her body would hurt when she's handled...being that thin. maybe please keep her bed sore free. watch over her care. I can touch her...she can yell at me. She's tired....so very tired....

Day By Day

Lyle was diagnosed with Corticobasal Degeneration on Monday,October 24. First symptoms appeared Summer 2006. This is one of those diseases that there isn't a 100% "for sure" diagnosis....It's a diagnosis by elimination. An autopsy is the only way they know "for sure." He may be on the "slow train." He may not be. That's me talking. Outcome....living between 5 yrs and 13 years....average is 8 years. I am going between....nah - he doesn't have that... to...well, maybe he does. Only God knows and that's "for sure!"
"casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7
"For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew 11:30

Day by Day

Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find, to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,
I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.
He Whose heart is kind beyond all measure
Gives unto each day what He deems best—
Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Every day, the Lord Himself is near me
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me,
He Whose Name is Counselor and Power;
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
“As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”
This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then in every tribulation
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
Ever to take, as from a father’s hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till I reach the promised land.

In Texas

I'm in Irving, Texas.......right in the middle of Dallas & Fort Worth. I've been here since Sunday and leaving tomorrow (Friday). My man is going to school at DFW Flight Safety...6 minutes down the road...north of here. I'm driving a loaded Buick Enclave...with two sunroofs (one that opens). I take my man to school every morn about 7:30 (after we have a "free" to order breakfast here at the hotel). I know I'm getting older cause I get out of bed, throw on my exercise clothes (with a hoodie)...not caring that I don't have make-up on and that my hair is disheveled (although I do brush it). I take my man to school, pull out of the school's driveway, open the sunroof and turn up the radio.......and "drive" back to the hotel to exercise for 45 minutes. I then get a yogurt, maybe a banana & COFFEE! I take it back to my room, spend some time on the computer......THEN I take my shower & get ready for the day. That has been my week. One evening on our way to dinner, my phone rang. It was an "unidentifiable" number....but a message was left. It was Wendy from Comforcare, asking me to call her, but it was not an emergency. About 4:30, Mom's alarm went off. They went in her room to find her on the floor......BUT she didn't get hurt and was just fine, eating supper. I will go see her on Saturday. Today....I went shopping. I guess that I used my credit card a little too much........cause the company "froze" it! My last purchase tonight at Target.....my card wouldn't work. When we got back to the room, I called the credit card company. After all, our room, meals and gas need to go on the card tomorrow. They saw that the card was being used in Texas and thought the card had been stolen. They called our home phone and left a message.......BUT of course, we're traveling and I don't check my home phone messages. I had to give A LOT of information to get them to "unfreeze" the card. Guess that's what happens when a person doesn't travel much AND uses their credit card a lot instead of cash. I'm sure glad that my credit card wasn't stolen! Ahhhh Texas........so many people...and that's just in Irving!

The Visitors

My brother, Marvin, lives in Florida. The last time I saw him and talked to him was at my nephew's funeral in June 2010....and that June was the last time he saw Mom. He left me a message on my cell phone on September 9, 2011, that he was coming to Austin the next day for his 50th class reunion and wanted to see Mom but forgot what exit to take. I met him at the nursing home the next day. Mom was really good that late afternoon. She was real quiet at first. I wrote that it was Marvin. She looked & looked at him. "Marvin?" "You've gotten big." "You have the same smile." Then just 3 weeks later on September 29, my sister, Delores, came down to see my brother, Roger, and she agreed to go see Mom...she hasn't seen her in over 3 years. She is not doing well herself. Mom was real good once again that late afternoon. Delores said to me, "I don't know who that is." "This makes me nervous." Mom asked who Delores was...I wrote that it was Delores and she said, "I have a Delores." She didn't know any of us...but she had smiles for us. What a lady! I love that lady!

I didn't think to take a picture when Marvin visited, but here is the picture when Delores visited.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday, Mom! Today is your birthday. You don't know it, but I know it. You don't know me, but I know you. I didn't get you clothes for your birthday, like you asked for on Sunday. I asked you what you wanted for your birthday, and you said, "clothes?" I put on the board that you were going to be 94 on Tuesday. You said, "I'm that old?" I was hoping today would have been one of your "good" days. I was hoping you'd be sitting at the dining room table and you'd give me one of your pretty smiles. I brought you some things that I think you would have smiled at....and said, "for me?" I brought you some flowers...gerber daisies. They are "my" favorite, but I think you would have liked them too. You love flowers. I must have gotten that love for flowers from you. I also brought you some balloons. They are real pretty and festive. I also brought you a bag of candy bars...yum. I also brought some cupcakes...yum. AND I brought your favorite food....chicken. I brought you two chicken legs. You were sitting at the table when I came at noon, but you didn't want to be there. You had your eyes closed and just wanted to sleep. You did wake up a little when you saw the chicken leg and ate a little bit of it. I stopped again to see you before supper. You were in bed. I touched your shoulder and knew that you'd be sleeping for awhile. The nurse asked if I wanted them to get you up....I said that I wanted you to sleep cause I know that's what you wanted. I'm sorry that you don't know it's your birthday. I love you, Mom. I look forward to seeing your smile.....maybe tomorrow. Love, Laraine...your daughter. I will never forget the day you said to me (when I told you that I was your daughter)...."I don't think so, but you can be my daughter if you want to be." And then you laughed.

Heartbreaking

I stopped at noon today. Mom was in bed. She opened her eyes right away and said she itched and hurt...her bottom. She was in her nightgown. I told them ..... They did get her up...even though they were busy with the other residents..since it was lunch. I saw her unclothed body again today...as they put clothes on her...I got a top & sweater for her. She is....like a skeleton. It is so very, very hard to see her like that. I wheeled her to the table. She was hungry & started to use her fingers to pick up the roast beef/gravy sandwich. I helped her eat a few bites...and that was it. It is....heartbreaking...

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

I stopped to see you today. You were sitting at the dinner table...sleeping. You opened your eyes. I showed you the flowers that I brought you....my favorite....gerber daisies...and your favorite color...red. You had no reaction. I gave you the card. You did repeat...Happy Mother's Day. I had Kate give you my red carnation that I got from church today. You smiled at her and said, "for me?" I forgot my camera...I was so disappointed... I gave you a few bites of food. You would probably have eaten more, but we had to leave. We left you sleeping.
Hey Mom....
...You've been a mother for 70 years!
Happy Mother's Day, Mom! I love you!

I Wonder....But God Knows

Was it just last week that Mom had such a good day at supper when I was there and I wrote a fb note about it? It seems weeks ago. Yesterday, I went to see Mom twice. It's always a sad time when I walk into her unit and she's not sitting in the dining room....then I know she's in bed. When I went yesterday at noon, the CNA said that she hadn't been up yet. I went to her room. Sure enough...she was in her nightgown...and that's another thing....it's a hospital gown....they won't put a regular nightgown on her cause this is easier to change her.... She was supposed to get a shower that morning. Sara switched it to Wed morns since she works every Wednesday and can help with it...and now they give her a shower instead of a whirlpool bath so it's less traumatic for her....except Sara hasn't been there for over a week...her own mother is in ICU at Roch hospital. I don't know when she'll be back. So...back to yesterday noon. Mom opened her eyes when I went in there. Her lips were so dry. I went and got her a glass of water and a straw. She drank 3/4 of the glass and I put chapstick on her lips. Then I left. I stopped at suppertime....she wasn't in the dining room. Yep..she was in bed, telling the CNA to leave her alone. She had clothes on. The CNA said that she was up in the afternoon, ate some but then was going in everyone's room, so they gave her night pills and put her to bed. I waved goodbye to her and she asked me where I was going. Home? Can I go home with you? Then...tell my dad to come and get me. Today I stopped at noon....not in the dining room. She was in bed sleeping. Same CNA came into the room when she saw that I went in Mom's room. Said Mom was up and down in the night, had her shower about 10:00 this morn (cause I had asked about her shower yesterday)...wanted to know if I wanted her to get Mom up. Mom was sleeping so peacefully...I said to just let her sleep. She is so messed up.....she's never up at mealtimes lately. And...it was 68 degrees in her room...heat was off...many times the heat is off...I always turn it on.... I wonder....but God knows... what kind of care she gets....really.... A few days ago when I went there, she told me that she had to go to the bathroom and said that they won't take her. She was taken...I know since I was there....but it wasn't a convenient time...right when supper was being served.
You know...you'd think I would be used to this by now...It's been 10 years....even though she's been worse the last 2 1/2 years.
They have signs...two of them...posted on the doors to Mom's unit..The Garden... something about being quiet in the unit and speaking calmly so that the residents don't get upset. Oh my....that unit is not quiet....it would be quiet, except for Marcella... Oh my....She is yelling ALL OF THE TIME!! I know she can't help it. That is the only reason that I'm glad Mom can't hear. But you know what???? Quite awhile ago...someone there said that Marcella was yelling out...HELP ME! Mom said...I will help you. Now you know how loud Marcella is....a deaf person can hear her...

Sometimes.....

....I think she knows me. At least I'm a familiar face. Just living is exhausting for her. She was exhausted at noon from her living this morn. When she was put to bed and tucked in, she looked at me and kissed my cheek back and said..."They hurt me." "Some of them here hurt me." "Some are nice to me." She couldn't keep her eyes open. I touched her, waved to her and she smiled and told me to come back again. Then she slept. She sleeps most of the time. She will be alert & eat one day and then sleep for a day or two.

She Wanted to Shoot Me

Yesterday....after work...after groceries, I stopped to see Mom. The day before she'd been in bed...in her nightgown (which is actually a hospital gown - how can that be cozy.....they say it's easier for them to change her)...she hadn't gotten up that day. Yesterday, I didn't see her right away...so I thought she was in bed. But she was on the other side of the dining room, facing the other way. The CNA said that she wouldn't eat and maybe I could get her to eat. She pulled her backwards to the table. After that abrupt pulling back, she saw me. She thought I had done that....thinking back, I'm sure it scared her. She was soooo mad. She tried to hit me. That's when she said it...."I'm going to shoot you. I have a 4-10." She calmed down after that and even became happy with me. But....that was the day she wanted to shoot me. Today she was happy....Roger was there. She knew him. After telling her who I was....she said, "That's Laraine?" ....then she looked at Roger and shook her head no......

Some Memories of My Mother...Emily Bessie Prantner Hansen

*Sitting on her lap and eating rice pudding with raisins in it. Guess I sat on her lap at meal time when I was little.
*Her standing by my side as I cried when my sister & her husband drove off down the driveway to go back to her new life in the cities.
*Taking a nap with her on her bed.
*Watching her "sprinkle" clothes with water in a pop bottle with a "sprinkle" thing on top...and then watching her iron clothes and her letting me iron hankies.
*Her making fried chicken the night before our week's vacation "up north."
*Her having words with my brother, Marvin, for accidentally burning up my favorite doll that was on the freezer with his cigarette the night before our vacation "up north" and then buying another doll on the way that could never replace the one that burned.
*Waving good-bye to her as I walked down the driveway to catch the school bus...I think I waved the entire way down the driveway.
*Coming home from school when I was in kindergarten and handing her my sopping wet hankie (from me crying).
*Getting up on summer mornings and she was always working in the "huge" garden.
*Her washing me up with a wet wash cloth (cause only had a bath once a week)...and the night she discovered a lump/tumor on my upper arm. I was 8 years old and had surgery at St. Mary's in Roch. I cried & cried when they wouldn't let her stay the night with me in my room.
*All the times we went fishing on a Sunday afternoon at Waterville...sometimes going to a river by there.
*The notes she left me on the cupboard for when I got home from school....either telling me that they were across the creek (those times were the best)....or else a note telling me that they went to town (those times were the worst)...cause my dad was an alcoholic and he'd go the bar while she bought groceries and then she had a terrible time getting him to leave to come home. Many a night I paced our small house from one end to the other, watching the headlights coming down the river road, hoping each was them and crying when it wasn't...but never letting them know that I had been crying. I don't think she ever knew how sad I was.
*Times in the fall when I came home from school and it was potato digging time.
*Her tying dead chickens by a twine to my bike and having me throw it in some ravine on the edge of our field. She told me that all I had to do was untie the twine from the bike and throw the both the twine and the chicken.
*Her showing me how to "pick" eggs....I never could do it. I would scare the chicken out of its nest....I wasn't sticking my hand under them like she did.
*Watching her "slop" the pigs...or give "slop" to the pigs.
*Loving it when she made homemade pizza.
*Her every year Christmas Eve oyster stew & goose.
*Her cleaning up my knees after I wiped out on my bike.
*Moving "up north" with her when she was 56 (my age now)....
*Oh how she missed me when I moved to Owatonna after a couple of months.
*All of the letters that she and I wrote to each other...when she lived by Battle Lake and I lived in Owatonna and then Austin.
*Her living 13 years "up north" and all of the visits up there...never missing a Christmas, even when it was 50 below wind chill.
*Her coming and staying a week with me after each baby was born.
*Calling her when I was sick.
*Her moving back to Austin after my dad died and staying with us until she found an apartment.
*Her saying that she was going to stay in that apartment until they carried her out on a stretcher.
*Her buying a house....finding one that wasn't too far from our house.
*Going for walks and meeting her half way.
*Me walking to her house and her giving me a ride home in her car.
*Her watching my girls after school and taking care of them when they were sick.
*The year she got saved.
*Giving her a ride to church.
*Every Sunday...either her coming to our house for dinner or her having dinner for us at her house.
*The summer of 2000 when she started to have memory problems.
*That fall when I organized her pills and would call her to see if she'd taken them. Her: I think so. Me: Look and see. Her: It's there but I know I took it.
*After that...going to her house every day and giving her the pills.
*The day in February 2001 when I called from work to see what she was doing. She was confused, had been waiting outside for us to take her to church (it was a Friday)...taking her to the hospital that day, not knowing she would never go back home.
*Looking for an assisted living place for her to live.
*The day she moved into the Kingsley House.
*The day she moved into Our House Assisted Living.
*The day she fell at my feet and broke her hip and shoulder.
*The day she moved to Blooming Prairie Nursing Home.....that was one of the saddest days of my life.
*The day I went to the home, saw the ambulance, walked in and she was on the floor...broke her hip again.
*The day she moved into Comforcare...JOY - She was back in Austin.
*Summer of 2010....when she no longer knows that I am Laraine, her daughter.
These are a few memories of my mom.

It Happened One Day!

It was the spring of 1998. I was at work. I can see myself at my desk. I called my mother. I told her....You know, you're not saved in your Baptism. Her response...You're not? I went on to explain the gospel to her & she was open & ready to receive Jesus. That was the beginning...for her. This is her testimony:
Emily accepted the gospel truth in the spring of 1998. Emily repented of her sins and received Jesus as her LORD and Savior. Emily was baptized by immersion in January of 1999 in obedience to God, symbolizing the death, burial & resurrection of Jesus Christ. Emily gave her testimony at her baptism. One of her favorite Bible verses is John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten son that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but receive eternal life."
Some things that happened after that:
*She left Lutheranism....in the dust!
*A dear friend spent time with her...showing her things in the Bible and answering all of her questions.
*She went to Bible studies.
*She listened to Charles Stanley on TV, invited a neighbor & took notes.
*She talked to her Catholic neighbor about Jesus.
*She talked to her "Fats Club" ladies. One of them told her that she must be talking about being born again. The neighbor nor the other ladies were interested in such talk.
*She was eager to be obedient and be baptized. So eager that she would have been baptized in the river in the summer of 1998 but decided to wait and be baptized at the YMCA pool the next January.
That's what happened one day!

Sweet

Sweet....Mom was sitting at the dining room table with her eyes closed when I walked up. I scrouched down, I touched her arm, she opened her eyes, I smiled, she smiled back....sweet! She told me that Roger had just been there, had to leave but was coming back. (He hadn't been there....today anyway.) I wrote on the board - What is my name? She said - Tooty?, with a smile. (That was my sister-in-law's name.) I then wrote - My name is Laraine. She gave me a big smile & her eyes lit up - That's my daughter's name. I wrote - I am your daughter Laraine. I love the way she looks into my eyes with a kind of puzzled look...she doesn't think so. I wrote - I love you. She read it & said - I love you too. I wrote - I am 56. She said - I'm supposed to believe that...smiling. Then - You are 93. She said - What? I'm 93? How did I get so old? Sweet. Yes...today was a good day! To God be the glory!

These days are sweet cause many a day I've touched her, she's opened her eyes and then said - Leave me alone...

Not Today

I went to see Mom on Thursday after work. I don't like to go too early because she's almost always sleeping in bed. I like to go right before they bring the food for either lunch or supper. I didn't want to go home and then go back out in the cold to go to Mom's...so I went early. She was sleeping in bed. She did wake up somewhat and she put on her glasses. Okay...I think she'll get up. I walked the halls...trying to find someone to get her out of bed...no one. okay...I'll just let her sleep. I went in her room and took off her glasses. She caught my hands/arms (before I could get away). She was MAD! ...tried to "get" me. I got away..but then she fake cried that I hurt her. "you hurt me"..."you hurt me." I left. Yesterday, I got there in the middle of her eating supper. She was nice and content until I pulled up a chair. Then she told me to eat her food cause she couldn't eat anymore. "it's fresh." She kept on & on that she wanted me to eat her food and got upset that I didn't. She wheeled herself away from the table....wanting to go upstairs and saying she couldn't eat anymore. I left her with CNA trying to calm her. I upset her again. Oh...MOM! If only you knew I love you....If only you knew me.....