Happy Birthday!

Oh, Mom.... It's your birthday.  I love you so much.  I miss you so much.  I still have a hard time that I didn't go see you the last week of your life.  What kind of daughter am I?  For so many years, I went to see you almost every day.  You had such a good day the week before you died...on a Thursday.  You were smiling and talking to me.  You asked me to help you move.  I nodded and you said that you would love me so much if I did.  Did you mean you were moving to Heaven?  I went to see you the Sunday before you died, but you were sleeping at the dining room table.  It was Thanksgiving week.....what?  I was too busy to go see you.  I am so sorry.  I just can't comprehend it cause the only time I'd let that many days pass was if I was gone out of town.  On Thanksgiving Day, I got a call that you had bruises on your elbows.  They didn't know how you got them.  You had a sleepy day...slept through lunch.  You would have those days.....for a couple of years....where you would sleep for 2 or 3 days and then you'd wake up....hungry.  Then.......shopping took precedence on Friday.  Then I got up early Saturday morning.  I didn't feel well.  Hadn't felt well for 3 months.  I was sitting in the living room chair when I got the call.  The same gal who called me on Thursday about your bruises.....  She told me that you had passed in the night....when in reality you had just passed.  I didn't get to say good-bye.  I know that no one will understand how bad I feel that I didn't see you that week.  Even Roger saw you on Friday at lunch.  I was told that when they went to get you for supper on Friday that you were on your back....staring up at the ceiling.  Lisa told Atsu that she thought you were going to die.  They took you out for supper.  You took a bite of food and started to choke.  Lisa lifted up your arms.  You said that you were okay.  At noon, you also had trouble swallowing.  I didn't want you to go through the dying process.  I wanted you to go in your sleep.  And that's just what happened.  I feel so sad that I didn't see you that last week.  I'm so sorry.  I am so happy that you are not in your broken body anymore.  Happy Birthday!

The Clothes - It is Time

In four days, Mom has been in heaven for 5 months.  I have had Mom's "good" clothes in my upstairs closet for 12 years.  ....church clothes, special outing clothes.....clothes that I didn't want the "facility" to wash.  For the last 4 years of her life, Mom could not leave the rest homes that she lived in.  She had no need for her "good" clothes, yet I couldn't give them away.  Even though the clothes were all too big for her, since she lost so much weight, I still couldn't get rid of them.  My husband needed to check a chimney in that upstairs closet the other day, but he couldn't because of Mom's clothes.  I went up there this morning and put all of her clothes on the bed so that he can check the chimney.  There are a lot of clothes....winter and summer.  I am going to bag them and take them to the Salvation Army.  There are some nice pieces of clothing, but they are all too big for me to wear.
It is time.......to part with Mom's clothes.  It is sad, but something that needs to be done.

A New Year

It's here....a new year!  Mom has been in heaven for 8 weeks.  I know that I will miss her and some days it will hit me harder than others.  Sometimes when I drive by Comforcare, I thank God for taking her home.  It makes me happy that she is no longer suffering and confined in her broken body.  I also hurt.  I hurt that I don't have my mom and I cry....like I'm doing now.  How can I be so happy for her and yet so sad.  It doesn't help that I'm "still" not feeling well.  I pray for God to give me strength and peace.  I need strength right now....just to get through the days. 

I miss her good days.......the days that she would light up when she saw me and told me to get a chair and sit by her.  A mother's love is so special.  A mother will do anything for you.  She loved me so much.  I am so glad that I was able to help her.  I was here for her after her husband died.  When she was looking for a house to buy, we made sure it wasn't too far from us.  It was close enough that I could walk over to her house.  Sometimes, she would meet me and then we'd walk to her house, and then she'd drive me home.  I was there when she started to have memory problems.  I saw her through various moves to unknown places; saw her through broken bones and a broken mind.  It hurt me that she couldn't hear for the last 3.5 years.  She never complained about it though.  In fact, she never complained about anything....except she'd tell me that her hands hurt cause they squeezed them so hard.  She didn't realize that they hurt because of arthritis.

I cannot help to think about what lies ahead for me.  But God says in Philippians 4:6 "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God."

and Psalm 139:16 " Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."