Christmas 2012

I was thinking about Mom late last night and posted pictures on Facebook from Christmas Eve 2011.  This year, Mom will be spending Christmas in Heaven.  No more need for throw blankets to keep her warm. 

A few ladies have told me that after they lost their mom, they would think of something that they wanted to tell their mom and reach for the phone or think that they needed to call her.  For me, it's a little different since I haven't been able to call Mom for the past 12 years to share things with her because of her dementia. But one thing that has happened these past few weeks is that I'll be in a store and think about buying Mom something or she'd like that, etc.  Then remember.....oh, that's right...she's not here anymore.

I saw a comment on Facebook last night that some lady had cut off her mother cause her mother had played favorites.  That is so sad......she has a mother.  I'm sure there are many broken & strained relationships between mothers and daughters.  Such is life in this fallen world.

I haven't been able to take Mom out of the nursing home for the last three Christmases.  We usually  gave her gifts on Christmas Eve.  She had "good" days those three Christmases.  But....I'd much rather that she spend Christmas this year with Jesus.

I love you, Mom.  Merry Christmas!

Everything is New/Battle Hymn of the Republic

 I have listened to this song many times since November 24.

http://timcoons.bandcamp.com/track/everything-is-new-battle-hymn-of-the-republic

18 days....

It's been 18 days....  My mom has been gone 18 days.  I miss her so much.  My life has been busy.  Busy going to funeral visitations!  I know 6 people who have died in these past 2.5 weeks...and know of 2 more.  What is going on?
Oh other things are thrown in....a bridal shower, celebrating 39 years of marriage, going to the nurse practitioner to be evaluated (blood tests normal...got her to decrease thyroid meds...still getting hives), making Christmas treats to take to work, decorating the Christmas tree, taking the grandkids to Neveln fun night and then to McDonald's, a 5 yr old bday tea party, lotza hugs from a 10 month old and happiness from 5 & 2 yr old girls, pizza party with family, decorating for a 60th bday, making bday treats for work, a 5 yr old bday supper and cake eating, and daughter's bday today 12/12/12.  throw in there a few times of writing thank yous.  Busy days.....grieving days.
I miss my mom's smile, I miss her telling me to sit down when I went to visit her, I miss making her coffee (with 2 packets of sugar), I miss telling them what to give her to eat, I miss feeding her, I miss washing her glasses, I miss her looking in my eyes when I wrote that I'm Laraine, her daughter...I miss how excited she got when I wrote "Laraine" and she smiled real big and said that was her daughter's name too.  She was a HUGE part of my life these past 12 years.  But my God knows the pain and He comforts me.  It is so, so hard.  The pain is real....the pain is deep.  I miss my mom!

 

The End of the Road

Here I am.  I feel numb.  I got a call this morning shortly after 8 AM.  It was the nurse at Comforcare.  She had just called on Thursday, Thanksgiving Day.  It was the same nurse....and she doesn't work that often.  On Thursday she called to inform me that there were bruises on the outside of Mom's elbows, and they didn't know how they got there.  She was very sleepy that day and slept through lunch.  So she called again today.....I always dread what they are going to say.  Did Mom fall.....what is wrong....  and the most dreaded words...."Your mom passed in the night."  What....my mom is dead?  But she's been my mom for 58 years.  I have not had many people in my life die.  My dad died 25 years ago.  When he died, I had my mom.  When my brother died 18 years ago, I had my mom.  Now my mom is gone.  We have been through a lot these past 12 years.  WoW.....12 years.  The worst for Mom have been the last 4 years...after she broke her hip & shoulder, her hip again, her back, her other hip....and lost her hearing about the time that she broke her back.  poor lady.  ...then she got so thin....down to 92 lbs.  oh...mom.  I love that lady......my mom.
My brother Roger came and got me about 8:45.  They checked on her a couple of times in the night and then changed her at 4:45.  They went in to get her for breakfast at 7:55 and she had just passed.  We waited for my daughters Kristy, Tracy and husband Lyle and then they called Worlein Funeral Home.  They were so busy that they didn't come and get her until 12:45.  Roger and his wife Carol came over this afternoon and we wrote up her obit.  Mom is now free.  She got to see Jesus today.  Tomorrow we meet at the funeral home at 1:30.  Visitation on Tuesday.  Funeral on Wednesday.  Long/sad days.

Do Not Ask Me to Remember

Where Have I Been?

This is terrible.  I haven't posted anything for 5 months!  My life was turned upside down....well, at least tilted A LOT...in the last 5 months.  I had to leave "my" church of 11 years.  It was my choice, but I could not stay and put my stamp of approval on things that people in that church did the last several months.  It was terrible and so very sad.  But that is no excuse for not posting for 5 months.

I have not felt well since August.  I know stress can cause lots of stuff...but I just feel that something else is going on in my body.  To top things off,  in October I got a nasty cough/virus that lasted a full three weeks.  After a week of coughing, I got hives.  I had taken a cough med and the next morning I woke up to what I thought were 6 spider bites...YIKES.  You should have seen run to my bedroom and pull back the covers....looking for spiders!  No...they weren't spider bites....they were hives.  I was put on steroids for 5 days.....they got much worse before they got better.  I even thought it might be Tide pods that we started using in August.  I nearly convinced myself that they had started all of the "not feeling well" since August junk.  Needless to say, we don't use Tide pods anymore.  BUT....I am still getting hives.....a few almost every day.  This is going into my 5th week.  I started eating coconut oil to get rid of my cough and am still eating it and plan to continue.....because from what I've read, it's a miracle oil...and I've been putting it on my skin also.  I did have what was supposed to be a physical in September...with a nurse practitioner.  My female doctor of several years moved away and there wasn't another female doctor taking patients.  It was a joke.  It wasn't even a physical...going by what my previous physicals were.  And the np had another np in with her training.  My thyroid came back at the very high end of normal.  Grasping at straws after learning of my high end number, I was wondering if my dose of thyroid meds was too high.  The np dismissed that.  I had "something" going on in my chest a few times....and had told my husband that maybe my heart was causing me not to feel well.  Heart palpitations is one sign of too much thyroid meds.  And I thought....maybe that's what I was feeling.  That np jumped on that like a duck on a Junebug.  She kept badgering about how often....now I can see how people can get you to say things by pressuring you.  Bad went to worse.....and she ordered an ekg, which I gladly would have had....but also wanted me to wear a heart monitor for a month.  She told me that she didn't think it had anything to do with my thyroid med dosage.....REALLY??    She left and I decided that I was not going to have that heart monitor.  I did talk it over with the heart department the next week, and we came to the conclusion that it wasn't necessary.  I am convinced that I am not having heart palpitations.  Some needing to catch by breath at times though.  I have a feeling that I am getting too much thyroid meds.  I have been eating Chia seeds for a couple of years....and just read that they help with thyroid function.  Coconut oil also helps with it.  I am thinking about contacting the np who gave me the steroids to see if she will decrease my thyroid meds....although I just got a 3 month supply and suppose my insurance will not pay for a lower dosage....yet.  I liked that nurse practitioner MUCH better than the one who really didn't give me a thorough physical.  But that is no excuse for not posting for 5 months.

 This blog is really about my mother, so what am I doing going on and on about myself!  It looks like the last time I posted, she had just gone off Aricept.  It's been 5 months, and I haven't notice any change in her with being off Aricept.  That is a good thing, because I was concerned about her getting worse.  She had a really good day on Thursday.  She was talking to me and smiling.  She asked if I would help her move.  Sure....  She was so happy and said that she would love me so much for helping her.  She asked me how Laraine and her little girl were doing.  Good....  She was happy about that too.  I got a picture....after 9 takes.  I will see if I can post it here.  Those good days are few and far between.  Most days, I can hardly get her to open her eyes and eat much.  Oh...in the 5 months since I've posted, Mom turned 95!  We had a little party with family and friends, and she was awake and talking.  Next week is Thanksgiving.  I don't get to bring Mom to my house anymore.  It's been at least 4 years since she was able to come to my house.  Very sad.  She doesn't know that though...so that's good.

Emily Hansen

This is Mom on 11/15/12.

Mom, you would be appalled....

I visited you at noon today.  Your hair was heavily disheveled.  You appeared hungry; eating food with your fingers that wasn't finger food.  You grabbed my arm with those fingers that had not finger food on them.  Then you grabbed my necklace and wouldn't let go.  I tried to get the necklace out of your clench.  That is when you used all of your strength to dig your fingernail into my finger.  Ouch.....That really hurt!  Mom, you would be appalled.....if you knew that.

What if.....

Aricept for dementia really does more harm than good.

Update on Med Change & Mom

Being off Seroquel lasted one week.  The doctor reduced her Aricept...for 30 days & then she will be off....and took her off Seroquel.  She was so anxious, wanting to go home (let's go now) and frantically trying to wheel her chair.  That's the week that she had the arm tear.....they said she bit herself (ummmm, hmmmm).  She's back on Seroquel.  It's hard to see her sleeping all of the time, but even harder to see her so anxious.

Last night when I went there, she smiled at me.  She wanted to go lie down, so I took her outside to get some fresh air.  It was close to 90 degrees.  The second we got through the door she said, "It's nice out. Let's go back inside."  When I started pushing her around the path she said, "Do you want me to push you?" She remembers that when she lived at Our House, I would push her in her transport chair outside (she was still walking at the time) and she'd ask me if I wanted her to push me. Sure....I'd get in the chair and let her push me.....It was hilarious! Before I left last night....she said, "You're a sweetie."  So it was different last night.  She wanted to wheel herself, but just to find her room to lie down.

It Happened Again

yesterday.  I got a phone call from "the home."  Oh, I've gotten many, many calls in the 11+ years from the various "homes."  And it's always the same.....my heart always stops.  It seems like forever before they tell me why they are calling, when in reality it's a few seconds.  Laraine?  pause.  This is so and so from wherever.  pause.  I'm calling about your mother.  pause.  Yesterday was no exception.  It was the middle of the afternoon, and I was in a dressing room with Granddaughter Kate.  You know it's not a routine call when it's on the weekend.  Let's see....over the years it's been:

• In her first "home" (the Kingsley House), I got a call in the middle of the night from the Group Home around the corner that Mom had walked to their house. 
• When she lived at Our House, I got numerous calls over the years....usually that she was unsettled and wanted to leave and was trying to.  One time it was that they gave her someone else's meds and were going to have to keep an eye on her and check her blood pressure all night.  Lots of calls about UTI's....when they were going to test her and then with the results.
• I mostly got letters from "the home" in Blooming Prairie....lots of letters.  I think every day!  I did get a call the day/night she fell out of bed.  She broke vertebrae in her back that time.
• And now living at Comforcare, I have gotten lots of calls too.  One morning, it was that she had fallen out of bed in the middle of the night and they were sending her to the ER.  She ended up in Roch with another broken hip.  I have gotten calls that she has fallen out of bed since, but no more broken bones.  Lots of calls from there about UTI's too.  I got a call a few months ago from the nurse, saying that they were going to change Mom's diet as a result of our discussion at a Care Conference.  No, no!  I then explained what we really said, and I thought it was all settled.  Found out two months later (when Brother Roger was there & they wouldn't give Mom chicken legs that she loves) that they went ahead with what the nurse said to me.  So I got it straightened out.

The call yesterday was the she had picked at the tear on her arm and the nurse told me all that they had done to it.   Okay, thanks for calling.  whew.....

Mom has been out of it for two days now.  I went yesterday at noon, and she was in bed with her hospital gown on.  When I touched her, she bit her blanket.  I left.....just in time not to get caught in the rain storm.  I went today at noon.  She was dressed and at the dining room table, but sleeping.  I put a bite to her mouth.  She refused and bit her coverup.  I left.

January - May, 2012

Some things that happened during those months when I didn't post anything:

• Emily's Great-granddaughter, Elsie, was born on January 29.  I showed mom some pictures, but it didn't register.  Mom's baby sister's name was Elsie.
• I don't know when it happened, but Mom could no longer read what we wrote on the white board.
• There was not much talking in those months.
• At our last Care Conference, they said she weighed 96 lbs., up from her low of 91 lbs.  Those nutrition drinks must have done their job.
• We were asked recently...again....to discontinue her Aricept that she has been on for almost 12 years.  After praying, googling (finding conflicting information) and running it by a few people, we decided to dc it.  Roger and I talked to her doctor this last Tuesday.  She will be decreased from 10 mg to 5 mg for 30 days and then it will be discontinued.  Is this the right decision?  I don't know.  I JUST saw this article right now (when I googled to find out if it was mg) dated March 9, 2012:
  
  For the first time, we have robust and compelling evidence that treatment with these drugs can continue to help patients at the later, more severe stages of the disease. We observed that patients who continued taking donepezil were better able to remember, understand, communicate and perform daily tasks for at least a year longer than those who stopped taking the drugs. 
  -- Professor Robert Howard
• When we told the doctor that she has really declined in the last month or so, she took her off of seroquel, which she has been on for years also.  So...I just found this article:
  Elderly patients with dementia-related psychosis (having lost touch with reality due to confusion and memory loss) treated with this type of medicine are at an increased risk of death, compared to placebo (sugar pill). Seroquel XR and Seroquel are not approved for treating these patients.
  
  Really.........seriously.  Do the doctors know anything????
  I have read that hormone replacement therapy was proven to cause dementia.  She took those for years...30+ years.  When I mentioned that to her dr. a few years ago, he dismissed me --- ahhh, that's not proven.  I have also read that statins taken for high cholesterol can cause dementia.  She was on those for years.  Then after she got dementia, she was put on the above medicine!  I read the side effects of Aricept.....could that have caused some of her problems the last few years?  Now they're saying that it's good for later stages (where she is now)....but yet her doctor doesn't know anything about that. 
  It's all so very, very frustrating.  But you know what....God knows.  God is sovereign. 
  And you know what:
  

  Psalm 139:16

  English Standard Version (ESV)
  ¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
  in your book were written, every one of them,
      the days that were formed for me,
      when as yet there was none of them.

  
  

  How awesome is that?    How awesome our God is!
  
  
  
  
  
  

You Just Never Know

I have been thinking about what I can write about the last four months....since my last blog post. I was going to say: Mom has really declined. She can't read the white board. She can't say sentences. I can't remember the last time she smiled at me. Guess what....I went at noon today, bent down, looked into her eyes and smiled at her....AND she smiled back! She said: What's your name? I told her, even though she can't hear. She nodded. She ate (with a fork, by herself)....and she gave me the little shrug....and she smiled some more. Before I left, she took my hand and kissed it. So....you just never know.

A New Look

Same blog, but new look and new name. I decided to change things up after realizing that I haven't posted anything since January! I will post later about what has been going on with Mom since January. I will also post about when she started on her dementia road.....12 years ago!

Precious Moments Today

Me (wrote): I am Laraine your daughter.
Mom: I am Laraine your daughter. then looking at me: You are Laraine my daughter? as she looks into my eyes and expression is....yeah, right.
Me: I love you
Mom: You love me? Well, I guess I love you too. then smiles.
Mom: Eating chicken legs (her favorite)...This is good spring chicken.
Mom: Look at him. He fell asleep in his food. (Looking at Lamb...the guy at her table...sure enough, his head was in his plate of food.)
Mom: Where are you going? Home? I won't see you tomorrow. Maybe I'll come back on Sunday.

A New Year

Here it is....2012.
What a week (inside and outside of work)....I am exhausted from doing two jobs at work....some of my work has to be put on the back burner till next week when Barb is back. She is out this week unexpectedly due to the death of her brother-in-law. So tragic.
After months of not knowing what would happen as far as a new 5-6 grade school, we finally found out tonight at a special meeting for "us neighbors." They are going to put the new school next to Ellis and put ball fields behind our house.
Roger and I went to a care conference for Mom today. Nothing has changed, except her weight. She now weighs 91 lbs., down from 96 in early December. I wonder what is the least she can weigh......