Happy Birthday!

Oh, Mom.... It's your birthday.  I love you so much.  I miss you so much.  I still have a hard time that I didn't go see you the last week of your life.  What kind of daughter am I?  For so many years, I went to see you almost every day.  You had such a good day the week before you died...on a Thursday.  You were smiling and talking to me.  You asked me to help you move.  I nodded and you said that you would love me so much if I did.  Did you mean you were moving to Heaven?  I went to see you the Sunday before you died, but you were sleeping at the dining room table.  It was Thanksgiving week.....what?  I was too busy to go see you.  I am so sorry.  I just can't comprehend it cause the only time I'd let that many days pass was if I was gone out of town.  On Thanksgiving Day, I got a call that you had bruises on your elbows.  They didn't know how you got them.  You had a sleepy day...slept through lunch.  You would have those days.....for a couple of years....where you would sleep for 2 or 3 days and then you'd wake up....hungry.  Then.......shopping took precedence on Friday.  Then I got up early Saturday morning.  I didn't feel well.  Hadn't felt well for 3 months.  I was sitting in the living room chair when I got the call.  The same gal who called me on Thursday about your bruises.....  She told me that you had passed in the night....when in reality you had just passed.  I didn't get to say good-bye.  I know that no one will understand how bad I feel that I didn't see you that week.  Even Roger saw you on Friday at lunch.  I was told that when they went to get you for supper on Friday that you were on your back....staring up at the ceiling.  Lisa told Atsu that she thought you were going to die.  They took you out for supper.  You took a bite of food and started to choke.  Lisa lifted up your arms.  You said that you were okay.  At noon, you also had trouble swallowing.  I didn't want you to go through the dying process.  I wanted you to go in your sleep.  And that's just what happened.  I feel so sad that I didn't see you that last week.  I'm so sorry.  I am so happy that you are not in your broken body anymore.  Happy Birthday!

The Clothes - It is Time

In four days, Mom has been in heaven for 5 months.  I have had Mom's "good" clothes in my upstairs closet for 12 years.  ....church clothes, special outing clothes.....clothes that I didn't want the "facility" to wash.  For the last 4 years of her life, Mom could not leave the rest homes that she lived in.  She had no need for her "good" clothes, yet I couldn't give them away.  Even though the clothes were all too big for her, since she lost so much weight, I still couldn't get rid of them.  My husband needed to check a chimney in that upstairs closet the other day, but he couldn't because of Mom's clothes.  I went up there this morning and put all of her clothes on the bed so that he can check the chimney.  There are a lot of clothes....winter and summer.  I am going to bag them and take them to the Salvation Army.  There are some nice pieces of clothing, but they are all too big for me to wear.
It is time.......to part with Mom's clothes.  It is sad, but something that needs to be done.

A New Year

It's here....a new year!  Mom has been in heaven for 8 weeks.  I know that I will miss her and some days it will hit me harder than others.  Sometimes when I drive by Comforcare, I thank God for taking her home.  It makes me happy that she is no longer suffering and confined in her broken body.  I also hurt.  I hurt that I don't have my mom and I cry....like I'm doing now.  How can I be so happy for her and yet so sad.  It doesn't help that I'm "still" not feeling well.  I pray for God to give me strength and peace.  I need strength right now....just to get through the days. 

I miss her good days.......the days that she would light up when she saw me and told me to get a chair and sit by her.  A mother's love is so special.  A mother will do anything for you.  She loved me so much.  I am so glad that I was able to help her.  I was here for her after her husband died.  When she was looking for a house to buy, we made sure it wasn't too far from us.  It was close enough that I could walk over to her house.  Sometimes, she would meet me and then we'd walk to her house, and then she'd drive me home.  I was there when she started to have memory problems.  I saw her through various moves to unknown places; saw her through broken bones and a broken mind.  It hurt me that she couldn't hear for the last 3.5 years.  She never complained about it though.  In fact, she never complained about anything....except she'd tell me that her hands hurt cause they squeezed them so hard.  She didn't realize that they hurt because of arthritis.

I cannot help to think about what lies ahead for me.  But God says in Philippians 4:6 "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God."

and Psalm 139:16 " Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."

Christmas 2012

I was thinking about Mom late last night and posted pictures on Facebook from Christmas Eve 2011.  This year, Mom will be spending Christmas in Heaven.  No more need for throw blankets to keep her warm. 

A few ladies have told me that after they lost their mom, they would think of something that they wanted to tell their mom and reach for the phone or think that they needed to call her.  For me, it's a little different since I haven't been able to call Mom for the past 12 years to share things with her because of her dementia. But one thing that has happened these past few weeks is that I'll be in a store and think about buying Mom something or she'd like that, etc.  Then remember.....oh, that's right...she's not here anymore.

I saw a comment on Facebook last night that some lady had cut off her mother cause her mother had played favorites.  That is so sad......she has a mother.  I'm sure there are many broken & strained relationships between mothers and daughters.  Such is life in this fallen world.

I haven't been able to take Mom out of the nursing home for the last three Christmases.  We usually  gave her gifts on Christmas Eve.  She had "good" days those three Christmases.  But....I'd much rather that she spend Christmas this year with Jesus.

I love you, Mom.  Merry Christmas!

Everything is New/Battle Hymn of the Republic

 I have listened to this song many times since November 24.

http://timcoons.bandcamp.com/track/everything-is-new-battle-hymn-of-the-republic

18 days....

It's been 18 days....  My mom has been gone 18 days.  I miss her so much.  My life has been busy.  Busy going to funeral visitations!  I know 6 people who have died in these past 2.5 weeks...and know of 2 more.  What is going on?
Oh other things are thrown in....a bridal shower, celebrating 39 years of marriage, going to the nurse practitioner to be evaluated (blood tests normal...got her to decrease thyroid meds...still getting hives), making Christmas treats to take to work, decorating the Christmas tree, taking the grandkids to Neveln fun night and then to McDonald's, a 5 yr old bday tea party, lotza hugs from a 10 month old and happiness from 5 & 2 yr old girls, pizza party with family, decorating for a 60th bday, making bday treats for work, a 5 yr old bday supper and cake eating, and daughter's bday today 12/12/12.  throw in there a few times of writing thank yous.  Busy days.....grieving days.
I miss my mom's smile, I miss her telling me to sit down when I went to visit her, I miss making her coffee (with 2 packets of sugar), I miss telling them what to give her to eat, I miss feeding her, I miss washing her glasses, I miss her looking in my eyes when I wrote that I'm Laraine, her daughter...I miss how excited she got when I wrote "Laraine" and she smiled real big and said that was her daughter's name too.  She was a HUGE part of my life these past 12 years.  But my God knows the pain and He comforts me.  It is so, so hard.  The pain is real....the pain is deep.  I miss my mom!

 

The End of the Road

Here I am.  I feel numb.  I got a call this morning shortly after 8 AM.  It was the nurse at Comforcare.  She had just called on Thursday, Thanksgiving Day.  It was the same nurse....and she doesn't work that often.  On Thursday she called to inform me that there were bruises on the outside of Mom's elbows, and they didn't know how they got there.  She was very sleepy that day and slept through lunch.  So she called again today.....I always dread what they are going to say.  Did Mom fall.....what is wrong....  and the most dreaded words...."Your mom passed in the night."  What....my mom is dead?  But she's been my mom for 58 years.  I have not had many people in my life die.  My dad died 25 years ago.  When he died, I had my mom.  When my brother died 18 years ago, I had my mom.  Now my mom is gone.  We have been through a lot these past 12 years.  WoW.....12 years.  The worst for Mom have been the last 4 years...after she broke her hip & shoulder, her hip again, her back, her other hip....and lost her hearing about the time that she broke her back.  poor lady.  ...then she got so thin....down to 92 lbs.  oh...mom.  I love that lady......my mom.
My brother Roger came and got me about 8:45.  They checked on her a couple of times in the night and then changed her at 4:45.  They went in to get her for breakfast at 7:55 and she had just passed.  We waited for my daughters Kristy, Tracy and husband Lyle and then they called Worlein Funeral Home.  They were so busy that they didn't come and get her until 12:45.  Roger and his wife Carol came over this afternoon and we wrote up her obit.  Mom is now free.  She got to see Jesus today.  Tomorrow we meet at the funeral home at 1:30.  Visitation on Tuesday.  Funeral on Wednesday.  Long/sad days.